I’ve always been one of those who has always had some turbulence going on in their life. It goes up and down and there’s always something going on. Over the years I’ve learned to find this silent spot in the middle of all the movement, this place from which I feel empowered to deal with all that comes and goes
… and when I get caught up in it all I always have my yoga mat, which is like a magic doorway.
Like a mini world where my body makes me travel through all that’s going on by moving from asana to asana leading me back to the centre.
About 2 years ago I was so lost. I had blown up everything I believed in, all the ground I settled on. This happened for many different reasons but non the less it left me alone, with no direction, no base, feeling so lost. Riding on my rented bicycle with my weekend bag on my shoulders through rainy Amsterdam to yet another couch to crash on (thanks to my dear friends!!). Everything was just dark and in a haze. Until one moment I realized, no matter how lost I felt, how many tears I cried, how hopeless my situation was, there was still me. I was still breathing. And I was always there ...wherever that was. It sounds so simple but that was such a soothing realization to me. I figured, if I feel so awefull and yet I'm always here, let's just do something nice for me, now at this moment. So I went to a cafe with myself and bought me a big Latte and a nice meal. Always when I think back of this moment I get a warm and happy feeling. Like I grabbed my own hand for the first time. From that moment on I started finding my direction back.
So maybe it’s a good thing to, in a way, die in your life to wake up and start really living it. I can now feel super excited about everything going on. Not because things are perfect, they're not. Not because I have everything I dreamt of, I still have many dreams. There are many things that need to be worked on. There are lot's of worries and concerns. Many uncertainties. But in the middle of all that I find myself enjoying. Just knowing there is constant movement going on makes me feel excited and empowered. Open to what will come. Ready to work on what needs work. Ok to deal with whatever sadness will cross my path. Happy to enjoy the good.
I realize that this state of being might not stick with me all the time. It's a bit like handstanding.
Enjoying the balance when it's there. Knowing you'll tip over again. But also knowing you can kick back up and maybe find that happy moment of hanging loose again.